Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Public Displays of Affection in Class: Knock it Off

Okay so today we're going to have a lesson on PDA in class, so listen up...especially if you're one of those couples.

Let me just make this clear. I'm not bitter, I'm not jealous. I have 0 desire to be you. I AM however, annoyed AF and would like you to break up so I won't have to deal with your PDA and/or RIDICULOUS FB STATUSES.

Let me start off with PDA in class.

"C'mon, Alex. No couple is fucking stupid enough to inappropriately suck face in a lecture of 300+ people!! I mean that's just like common sense!"

Oh, but they exist....A lot of them exist. This my dear friends is very unfortunate and if you are one of them...KNOCK IT OFF. Seriously, it's not cool bro.

Dude, I get it. Lecture is boring. No one wants to be there, but how about you take some goddamn notes, stalk your professor on facebook, take a nap, doodle some ligers...IDGAF. Just try to do anything instead of screwing your girlfriend literally right in front of me.

Do you know how distracting it is trying to learn about velociraptors while your whore of a girlfriend is climaxing?

Yeah, didn't think so.

I really don't know how I end up behind all of these couples. Do I have some sort of huge sign above my head directing these horny couples to come sit directly in front of me?

If it's impossible for you to keep your tongue out of your significant other's throat for approx. 50-75 min, then you need help. Seek it.

Otherwise, just save everyone from getting entirely grossed out.

Our reward for actually showing up to class shouldn't be soft core porn.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bitches Need to STFU about "Cuddle Weather"

It's that time of year again in California.

The weather drops to a DRASTICALLY COLD AND UNBEARABLE 60 degrees and hey, maybe we get a little rain.

That's when tragedy strikes.
All of the lonely girls unite and start using Facebook as a diary.

I Feel like we get enough girls using facebook and songs as some sort of pathetic diary. *Cough* Taylor Swift *Cough*

("Omgg TaySwift is so nice! DON'T BASH ON MY GIRL TAYLOR!!" Yeah, I dislike Ms. Swift...I SAID IT.)

I'm so tired of these statuses:

"Omggg I just need someone to cuddle with. Plzzzz."

--STFU, desperate hoe.

"This is the perfect weather to just cuddle and watch the Notebook and drink some hot chocolate."


There is truly no need to convey your lonely feelings of needing some bro to come cuddle with you. --

PS. If a guy does claim he would love to cuddle with you and watch the fucking notebook, you know he just wants to bang you right?

Just trying to clarify.

Come on ladies. Stop being so thirsty. There are plenty of other things out there that wise people invented during this so called "cuddle weather" to keep people warm.


Just stop harassing my news feed. Post an add on Craigslist for a "Cuddle" buddy.

Monday, September 26, 2011

College Annoyance #231: People Who Dress Up to Class

We all know who these people are.


To me, dressing up means wearing anything besides sweats and maybe throwing some mascara on. This doesn't mean I don't give a shit about my appearance. It means that instead of putting effort into looking like a runway model to learn about dinosaurs, I merely made the effort to wake up at 10:30 get my ass out of bed (and yes, I am taking a bullshit GE Dinosaurs class...don't hate).

I saw this lovely lady today wearing a miniskirt, crop top, and heels. HEELS. Bitch, you are walking and biking around campus. Are you insane? Or do you plan on waiting on the corner hoping some guy will pullover and give you a ride to your next class? 

Well sweetie, you might have to give him a little something extra if you want that ride. 

But hey, maybe she didn't have intentions of looking like that to class. Maybe she just happened to be doing the walk of shame and said, "Hey, maybe I will actually go to class today! This outfit will surely do!"

A message to all bitches (and toolish bros) who think over dressing to class is appropriate:

Knock it off. It looks like you are  a) trying too hard, b) doing the walk of shame, and c) retarded. 
Jeans and sandals are okay. I promise. Now stop being a douchebag. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Is it Racist?

Today I wore my Celtics tank top to my first day of classes. I figured it was a harmless way for me to represent my main men.

I had just finished my bullshit Shakespeare class in which the 45+ year old professor kept making sexual innuendos. After she creepily used "that's what she said" more than 5 times, I was ready to see what gem would be teaching my next class...Black Studies 38.

I was already over the day since the Lance Armstrong gods gave me a flat tire. I wondered what else could go wrong. I looked down at my shirt. That's when it hit me.
"Shit. Should I have worn a different shirt?!? Will people just assume I wore my NBA shirt because I had my first black studies class today? Ugh, typical white girls. FML."

Luckily I walked into the room and it hit me.
I go to UCSB. 51% of the people who attend the University of Casual Sex and Beer are white and the African American population is a mere 3%.

Hopefully I wouldn't get judged too harshly. It never hit me that this could all be in my mind.

That statistic was evident as I entered the class. About 2 black people were in my black studies class...maybe even 1. Shit, even the professor was as white as the chalk she insisted to use since she's against using power points and microphones...fucking hippies.

So, instead of having deep intellectual conversations about the NBA and my beloved Celtics like I imagined due to my wardrobe, I listened to my left-wing professor--who wore her hair like Princess Jasmine--bash on members of the tea party...which is apparently very relevant to African American literature from colonial times.

Monday, September 19, 2011

That Awkward Moment When...

Your Dad Follows You on Twitter

Yeah, you read that right. My father a) has a twitter, b) follows me, and c) constantly checks my updates.

Creepy right? He's probably reading this right now because he's fucking Sherlock Holmes and finds every blog I've every written or tweet I've tweeted. Dad, this short but sweet letter is for you...get tha picture.

Dear Bill,
           Please stop cyber-stalking me. And please stop telling mom about everything I tweet or blog. I'm tired of getting her calls about how 'it's not cool to cuss' and how 'it makes me ugly' or how 'I will go to jail if I smoke weed without a card and won't become a teacher.' This is just unrealistic. I will eventually get fed up and block you. It's just not cool. Knock it off.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Joan loves Khloe

The only thing my mom loves more than pretending I'm a lesbian is probably protecting the feelings of a celebrity chewbaca.

Yes, my mom has made it her personal goal in life to protect the feelings of a lovely armenian gypsy by the name of Khloe Kardashian.

Why has my mother made it her duty to yell at any tv or radio show who slanders Khloe K.? I have no idea, really. I just know that she does, and she does it well.

I was awoken at 7am this morning because of a radio morning show mocking Khloe because of this  photoshopped ad for the new Kardashian lingerie line, which is being sold at Sears. (Okay, but really, who the hell buys their lingerie at Sears...besides hookers.) The radio djs were mocking the fact that Khloe magically dropped 100lbs to look as hot as her sisters. This did not settle well with Joan.

Anways, when my mom--the Patron Saint of Giant Celebrities--heard the comedic bit about her dear, dear friend Khloe...she threw a bitch fit.


Woah, woah, woah. You may have taken it a bit to far, but Khloe would be blessed to have a friend like you, Joan. She's probably tired of standing next to Bruce Jenner just so she looks semi-doable.

I'm sorry, mom, but you don't have to work this hard to defend someone who is 'famous' for either being the sister of a girl in a sex tape with a wannabe rapper or famous for being the daughter of a guy who helped OJ get away with murder.

Monday, September 12, 2011

True Blood: A Glorious Shitshow

I've been a loyal 'Trubie' (ew, that term is so gay) since season one, however the True Blood finale, okay maybe this entire season, really proved how ridiculous the show is. I love me some sexy vamps, but when a gaptoothed fairy is getting more action than you...you know this plot has to be far from realistic. Also, when the most normal character on the show is Sam, a guy who morphs into a dog and killed his own brother, you know this shit is crazy.

1. Let me get this straight: It's a show about Vampires. Oh, and werewolves. And fairies. And shape shifters. And panthers? And NOW after this season...the magical plot also includes witches.
      Who comes up with this shit? Seriously though, where did the panthers who rape people come from? That was just unnecessary. And if wickens weren't frowned upon enough already, this season basically diminished any of their chances of being accepted into society because a) this crazy witch bitch almost murdered the beautiful Alexander Skarsgard and b) none of the witches were hot or took their shirts off.

2. There is no way in hell that Sookie is hawt enough to win the hearts of two sexy vamps and a sexy werewolf. 
        Sookie Stackhouse is pretty hot, but I'm POSITIVE her fairy vagina isn't magical enough to pull Eric, Bill, AND Alcide. I mean if the vamps, fairies, panthers, and shapeshifters didn't throw you off...the fact that all of these hot guys want her pixie dust pussy definitely makes this show unrealistic. I think Pam said it best last night, "I'm so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her incredibly stupid name. Fuck Sookie."

3. Live in Bon Temp and suddenly everything is sexy.
     Your name is Sam and you own a bar? Sexy. You just got unwillingly bit in the neck by a shirtless ripped vampire? Sexy. You're neighbor is a sexy, buff werewolf with a druggie gf hooked on V? SEXY. I can just imagine a ton of middle aged divorcees moving to poor old Bon Temps in hopes of getting fang banged by a scrumptious vampire. On the flip side, I can imagine a ton of creepy rapists wearing plastic fangs claiming to be real vampires in hopes of getting some action.

Basically, True Blood is like two midgets beating the shit out of each other. It's ridiculous, disturbing, but kind of funny...and you just don't want to look away.