College Annoyance #231: People Who Dress Up to Class

We all know who these people are.

ANY BITCH WHO SHOWS UP TO A 10AM CLASS IN SEQUINS DESERVES TO BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE. 

To me, dressing up means wearing anything besides sweats and maybe throwing some mascara on. This doesn't mean I don't give a shit about my appearance. It means that instead of putting effort into looking like a runway model to learn about dinosaurs, I merely made the effort to wake up at 10:30 get my ass out of bed (and yes, I am taking a bullshit GE Dinosaurs class...don't hate).

I saw this lovely lady today wearing a miniskirt, crop top, and heels. HEELS. Bitch, you are walking and biking around campus. Are you insane? Or do you plan on waiting on the corner hoping some guy will pullover and give you a ride to your next class? 

Well sweetie, you might have to give him a little something extra if you want that ride. 

But hey, maybe she didn't have intentions of looking like that to class. Maybe she just happened to be doing the walk of shame and said, "Hey, maybe I will actually go to class today! This outfit will surely do!"

A message to all bitches (and toolish bros) who think over dressing to class is appropriate:

Knock it off. It looks like you are  a) trying too hard, b) doing the walk of shame, and c) retarded. 

Jeans and sandals are okay. I promise. Now stop being a douchebag. 

Is it Racist?

Today I wore my Celtics tank top to my first day of classes. I figured it was a harmless way for me to represent my main men.

I had just finished my bullshit Shakespeare class in which the 45+ year old professor kept making sexual innuendos. After she creepily used "that's what she said" more than 5 times, I was ready to see what gem would be teaching my next class...Black Studies 38.

I was already over the day since the Lance Armstrong gods gave me a flat tire. I wondered what else could go wrong. I looked down at my shirt. That's when it hit me.
"Shit. Should I have worn a different shirt?!? Will people just assume I wore my NBA shirt because I had my first black studies class today? Ugh, typical white girls. FML."

Luckily I walked into the room and it hit me.
I go to UCSB. 51% of the people who attend the University of Casual Sex and Beer are white and the African American population is a mere 3%.

Hopefully I wouldn't get judged too harshly. It never hit me that this could all be in my mind.

That statistic was evident as I entered the class. About 2 black people were in my black studies class...maybe even 1. Shit, even the professor was as white as the chalk she insisted to use since she's against using power points and microphones...fucking hippies.

So, instead of having deep intellectual conversations about the NBA and my beloved Celtics like I imagined due to my wardrobe, I listened to my left-wing professor--who wore her hair like Princess Jasmine--bash on members of the tea party...which is apparently very relevant to African American literature from colonial times.

That Awkward Moment When...

Your Dad Follows You on Twitter


Yeah, you read that right. My father a) has a twitter, b) follows me, and c) constantly checks my updates.

Creepy right? He's probably reading this right now because he's fucking Sherlock Holmes and finds every blog I've every written or tweet I've tweeted. Dad, this short but sweet letter is for you...get tha picture.

Dear Bill,
           Please stop cyber-stalking me. And please stop telling mom about everything I tweet or blog. I'm tired of getting her calls about how 'it's not cool to cuss' and how 'it makes me ugly' or how 'I will go to jail if I smoke weed without a card and won't become a teacher.' This is just unrealistic. I will eventually get fed up and block you. It's just not cool. Knock it off.
                        --Alex

Joan loves Khloe

The only thing my mom loves more than pretending I'm a lesbian is probably protecting the feelings of a celebrity chewbaca.

Yes, my mom has made it her personal goal in life to protect the feelings of a lovely armenian gypsy by the name of Khloe Kardashian.

Why has my mother made it her duty to yell at any tv or radio show who slanders Khloe K.? I have no idea, really. I just know that she does, and she does it well.

I was awoken at 7am this morning because of a radio morning show mocking Khloe because of this  photoshopped ad for the new Kardashian lingerie line, which is being sold at Sears. (Okay, but really, who the hell buys their lingerie at Sears...besides hookers.) The radio djs were mocking the fact that Khloe magically dropped 100lbs to look as hot as her sisters. This did not settle well with Joan.

Anways, when my mom--the Patron Saint of Giant Celebrities--heard the comedic bit about her dear, dear friend Khloe...she threw a bitch fit.

"KHLOE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!! SHE'S NOT EVEN FAT. THEY ARE SUCH ASSHOLES. I WISH I LOOKED LIKE HER."

Woah, woah, woah. You may have taken it a bit to far, but Khloe would be blessed to have a friend like you, Joan. She's probably tired of standing next to Bruce Jenner just so she looks semi-doable.

I'm sorry, mom, but you don't have to work this hard to defend someone who is 'famous' for either being the sister of a girl in a sex tape with a wannabe rapper or famous for being the daughter of a guy who helped OJ get away with murder.

True Blood: A Glorious Shitshow

I've been a loyal 'Trubie' (ew, that term is so gay) since season one, however the True Blood finale, okay maybe this entire season, really proved how ridiculous the show is. I love me some sexy vamps, but when a gaptoothed fairy is getting more action than you...you know this plot has to be far from realistic. Also, when the most normal character on the show is Sam, a guy who morphs into a dog and killed his own brother, you know this shit is crazy.

1. Let me get this straight: It's a show about Vampires. Oh, and werewolves. And fairies. And shape shifters. And panthers? And NOW after this season...the magical plot also includes witches.
      Who comes up with this shit? Seriously though, where did the panthers who rape people come from? That was just unnecessary. And if wickens weren't frowned upon enough already, this season basically diminished any of their chances of being accepted into society because a) this crazy witch bitch almost murdered the beautiful Alexander Skarsgard and b) none of the witches were hot or took their shirts off.

2. There is no way in hell that Sookie is hawt enough to win the hearts of two sexy vamps and a sexy werewolf. 
        Sookie Stackhouse is pretty hot, but I'm POSITIVE her fairy vagina isn't magical enough to pull Eric, Bill, AND Alcide. I mean if the vamps, fairies, panthers, and shapeshifters didn't throw you off...the fact that all of these hot guys want her pixie dust pussy definitely makes this show unrealistic. I think Pam said it best last night, "I'm so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her incredibly stupid name. Fuck Sookie."

3. Live in Bon Temp and suddenly everything is sexy.
     Your name is Sam and you own a bar? Sexy. You just got unwillingly bit in the neck by a shirtless ripped vampire? Sexy. You're neighbor is a sexy, buff werewolf with a druggie gf hooked on V? SEXY. I can just imagine a ton of middle aged divorcees moving to poor old Bon Temps in hopes of getting fang banged by a scrumptious vampire. On the flip side, I can imagine a ton of creepy rapists wearing plastic fangs claiming to be real vampires in hopes of getting some action.

Basically, True Blood is like two midgets beating the shit out of each other. It's ridiculous, disturbing, but kind of funny...and you just don't want to look away.

In Ugly Celeb Sibling News...

Since when did Ali Lohan turn into a man? This is disturbing. Maybe Chaz Bono has been giving her style tips.

The Stupid Shit You'll Find on Twitter

Stupid people shouldn't have twitters, but unfortunately, most of the people with a twitter are retards.
I mean just look at the stupid shit people tweet...

What does this even mean, Paris? You just tweeted the word 'Yes' a bunch of symbols. I'm guessing she meant, "YES!!! I DONT HAVE HERPES, JUST GONORRHEA!!"

Now, the trending topics on Twitter are a whole other disaster. Most of them are idiotic and make no sense. For example, 'Kidrauhl & Beliebers' is trending right now. What is a Kidrauhl??? So, obviously, I look at some tweets to figure out wtf is going on with this kidraul character. This is what I get:

Wait what? I'm even more confused. Why was the first tweet retweeted over 100 times?? 

WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT THE KIDRAUL AND BELIEBER BOND? I shouldn't, so naturally I look at the other trending topics...and they aren't much better. 


#NationalKissDay. Jesus Christ. Most of these tweets are probably tweens complaining about how they have no one to kiss. Oh, looks like I was right.

This is when I start rethinking the whole existence of my twitter. Are the beliebers/kidrauhls and 13yr old single losers the only ones reading my hilarious and insightful tweets? Well, fuck me right.
Oh no wait, I just got a new follower. 

SummerFratGirl? What is this shit? How did you even find me? 


Fucking twitter. 

What Really Grinds My Gears

You know those days when you just want to fuck the world? I didn't mean that literally, creep. Today was one of those days. Here's a list of things I came across which helped me come to the conclusion that only stupid people are breeding.

1. People Who Merge In Traffic--Seriously asshole? Where do you think you're going? It's bumper to bumper traffic. Do you really think merging in front of me will help you get to your destination any further? As if merging in front of me would magically create a traffic-free pathway to get you to your destination? Just stay in your lane, dickwad. 
2. Education Connection Commercials--This bitch who looks like a crack whore comes out of nowhere singing about how I should go on this bullshit website to find a college. I sit there listening to this song (which will be stuck in my head the whole day) and keep thinking that this bitch should have took her own advice instead of following her dreams to become a famous actress. Then this girl, clearly high on heroine, starts yelling at me to make a phone call 'that will change my life'. I get all riled up and start to reach for the phone, then I realize 'I go to UCSB, what the hell am I doing?'
3. People Who Get Into The Express Grocery Line With 75 Items--Oh, I'm sorry? Are you blind? Could you not read the sign which clearly states 10 items or less? Oh you saw it and you're just an huge tool. MY BAD. Was your plastic bottle of Popov, bag of cat food, and the rest of your pathetic groceries too good for the regular line, asshole? I waited 20 minutes to buy orange juice because of you.
4. Adults Who Stampede To Get The Samples At Costco--Samples are the best thing about Costco, besides their berry smoothies. However, the adults who push me out of the way to get the last sample are huge douche bags. Seriously? You're going to spend 100s of dollars on food in just a few minutes, but your running for this cracker like you're a fucking homeless person. It's even worse when adults wait around for the samples to finish cooking. Are you that starving that you have to harass the poor sample lady for some mac and cheese that tastes like shit? 
5. Shitty Cars With Nice Rims--Who are you trying to fool? Your '81 Honda is a piece of shit. Just because you put in a killer sound system and spinning rims doesn't make it any better.  And of course it has a huge ass exhaust pipe so no one can miss your shit show driving past them. Seriously, bro. Get a job and save up for a car that wont make you look like a total prick. 

No, Mom. I'm Not A Lesbian.

This happens a lot right? Moms think their daughters are lesbians.
No? It doesn't really happen often? FML.

It all started at the optometrist when I was picking out some sunglasses. Now, my mother was suggesting these Paris Whore Hilton-esq pink Juicy Couture glasses. I'd rather die than be seen in these glasses. My mom kept talking them up, "but look at these cute pink peace signs on the sides."

What the fuck, Joan. Maybe I'd wear them if I was my 11 year old sister who looks like fucking Jon Benet. But I chose some classic black Ray Ban wayfarers, which are apparently only worn by uberdykes according to my mom. "Eh those are so masculine, Alex."

SORRY BRO.

My nose ring, however, is what pushed my mom over the edge. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows anyone with a nose ring loves pussy. It's a known fact.

Let me break it down into even simpler terms...

What I look like: 

What my mom thinks I look like: 

Let me clarify, I love the gays. I absolutely would rock the shit out of being a lesbian, but I'm just not playing for that team. It is tough trying to convince my mom I love guys without sounding like a mega whore.

Maybe I should just pull a Lindsay Lohan, date Samantha Ronson, buy some Birkenstocks and call it a day.

Exposed: College Gyms

I love working out as much as the next tool, but whenever I walk into the gym, I risk the chance of mistaking it for a freakshow or some sort of tool convention.

Going to the gym at UCSB is never dull. Something interesting can always be seen. I mean yes, you still have your classic mega tools who wear ripped tanks and have their muscle milk ready to consume, but you also have the girl version this...sorority bitches.

These girls are just atrocious. They come in wearing their Kappa Kappa Gamma or Tri Delt (ew) tank tops and have a cosmo in hand, ready to ride the elliptical as if it was a horny Sig Ep tool.

Now maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Alex, what do you have against Frats and Sororities?"
Well, just about everything...except for their parties, of course. I mean, I just feel like I don't have to pay for my friends. Sorry if I am offending any sorority or frat member...I'm sure you're super cool and already had a ton of non-sorority/frat friends. Or you could be a total douchewhore and fit the stereotypes.  Who am I to say? 

Anyways, back to the gym. I have several rules when it comes acting like a proper fucking human being at the gym.

1. This is not a night club. Don't pull a Sammi 'Sweetheart' and come to the gym with your hair and makeup did. Just work out. Stop being a dumb bitch, like what kind of guy do you expect to meet at the gym? Couldn't you just meet them at a greek life mixer? 
2. Guys...don't use the elliptical. You look like a bigger douche than the ones bench pressing. Let the little bitches use the elliptical (including myself). Everyone will glare at you while you sway on the elliptical like Richard Simmons. 
3. If you're a normal guy not using the elliptical, don't wander around the gym like an idiot trying to nonchalantly pick up on girls. Everyone knows what you're doing, and sorry bro, it's not that attractive. Back the fuck off.
4. Lesbians in the locker room. Hey, I love the gays--my mom even thinks I'm one, but please don't stare at my tits awkwardly in the locker room. I mean, if I'm drunk in Isla Vista, then hey it may be acceptable. Just settle for staring at your A-cups. 
5. Don't try to race me on the elliptical, because bitch, you will lose. You know those girls (or fucked up guys) who are on the elliptical next to you and constantly look over to see how many calories or miles you have gone? Why are we suddenly in this bullshit elliptical competition? I did not sign up for this. I mean I'm competitive, but this type of gym-goer is a douchebag over competitor. 

There are many other wonders you may find at the gym, some which will piss you off and others which will make you laugh and piss you off at the same time. Just remember, when you're going to the gym, just try not to be an idiot. Get your shit done, and then gtfo. 

Retarded Majors

Here are some of the retarded majors offered at UCSB, in which all of the people who are majoring in these will manage a Starbucks or a Blockbuster. Perhaps I'm giving them too much credit...they'll be selling oranges on the sides of freeway exits...or waving those annoying signs in 100 degree weather.

Art History--Sorry, you aren't the next Picasso.

Anything with a Greek or Roman emphasis--there seriously is no need for this.

DANCE--how is this an accredited UC major?

Film and Media Studies--No, you will not be a director.

French...seriously? GTFO.

Iberian Studies--Where the fuck is Iberia?

Medieval Studies--Seriously, can you be a bigger hipster?

Renaissance Studies--Oh, I guess you can.

Come on ladies and gentlemen, don't be idiots. The job market sucks dick anyways. What are you doing majoring in Art History? Use your goddamn brain that got you into this school. 

Summer Expectations vs. Reality: College Edition

After strenuous weeks--okay days, whatever--of studying for bullshit finals, the only thing on my mind was the sweet summer ahead of me. Then I remembered. "Oh fuck, I have to move back home."

I mean, what could be better than relaxing for a whole 4 months back at home?

Answer: EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AT ALL.

For me, summer is always a let down. I mean I live in a suburb of Los Angeles, things don't get too wild. I mean, everyone has these awesome plans and post gay stauses like 'OMG Summer 2011 is gunna be one I will NEVAAA forget' or even better, 'Summer 2011...It's going down bitchezzz.'

Do these awesome plans ever happen? No, for the most part they dont. I mean okay, there are some assholes who have great summers and follow through with their plans, but for me all I have to do is watch fucking reruns of Criminal Minds and go to 24 hour fitness. WTF am I some sort of tool?

College Lesson #2840: Never, ever, return home for summer. Sure, you get to see your family and thats presh and all, but you lose freedom...and your mind. Plus, you get oddly jealous of people moving back to school and that's just weird. So kids, just stay in your shitty, small, overpriced apartment over summer....I promise, it will be more rewarding.

A Warm, Heartfelt Message.

Wudup bitches.

Alex here, also known by many as that white sarcastic bitch.

I figured I put my sarcastic comments, reviews, and thoughts to good use...a fucking hipster blog of course.

So follow this bidness and listen to my rants about crazy shit that happens on the daily.