No, Mom. I'm Not A Lesbian.

This happens a lot right? Moms think their daughters are lesbians.
No? It doesn't really happen often? FML.

It all started at the optometrist when I was picking out some sunglasses. Now, my mother was suggesting these Paris Whore Hilton-esq pink Juicy Couture glasses. I'd rather die than be seen in these glasses. My mom kept talking them up, "but look at these cute pink peace signs on the sides."

What the fuck, Joan. Maybe I'd wear them if I was my 11 year old sister who looks like fucking Jon Benet. But I chose some classic black Ray Ban wayfarers, which are apparently only worn by uberdykes according to my mom. "Eh those are so masculine, Alex."

SORRY BRO.

My nose ring, however, is what pushed my mom over the edge. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows anyone with a nose ring loves pussy. It's a known fact.

Let me break it down into even simpler terms...

What I look like: 

What my mom thinks I look like: 

Let me clarify, I love the gays. I absolutely would rock the shit out of being a lesbian, but I'm just not playing for that team. It is tough trying to convince my mom I love guys without sounding like a mega whore.

Maybe I should just pull a Lindsay Lohan, date Samantha Ronson, buy some Birkenstocks and call it a day.