Exposed: College Gyms

I love working out as much as the next tool, but whenever I walk into the gym, I risk the chance of mistaking it for a freakshow or some sort of tool convention.

Going to the gym at UCSB is never dull. Something interesting can always be seen. I mean yes, you still have your classic mega tools who wear ripped tanks and have their muscle milk ready to consume, but you also have the girl version this...sorority bitches.

These girls are just atrocious. They come in wearing their Kappa Kappa Gamma or Tri Delt (ew) tank tops and have a cosmo in hand, ready to ride the elliptical as if it was a horny Sig Ep tool.

Now maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Alex, what do you have against Frats and Sororities?"
Well, just about everything...except for their parties, of course. I mean, I just feel like I don't have to pay for my friends. Sorry if I am offending any sorority or frat member...I'm sure you're super cool and already had a ton of non-sorority/frat friends. Or you could be a total douchewhore and fit the stereotypes.  Who am I to say? 

Anyways, back to the gym. I have several rules when it comes acting like a proper fucking human being at the gym.

1. This is not a night club. Don't pull a Sammi 'Sweetheart' and come to the gym with your hair and makeup did. Just work out. Stop being a dumb bitch, like what kind of guy do you expect to meet at the gym? Couldn't you just meet them at a greek life mixer? 
2. Guys...don't use the elliptical. You look like a bigger douche than the ones bench pressing. Let the little bitches use the elliptical (including myself). Everyone will glare at you while you sway on the elliptical like Richard Simmons. 
3. If you're a normal guy not using the elliptical, don't wander around the gym like an idiot trying to nonchalantly pick up on girls. Everyone knows what you're doing, and sorry bro, it's not that attractive. Back the fuck off.
4. Lesbians in the locker room. Hey, I love the gays--my mom even thinks I'm one, but please don't stare at my tits awkwardly in the locker room. I mean, if I'm drunk in Isla Vista, then hey it may be acceptable. Just settle for staring at your A-cups. 
5. Don't try to race me on the elliptical, because bitch, you will lose. You know those girls (or fucked up guys) who are on the elliptical next to you and constantly look over to see how many calories or miles you have gone? Why are we suddenly in this bullshit elliptical competition? I did not sign up for this. I mean I'm competitive, but this type of gym-goer is a douchebag over competitor. 

There are many other wonders you may find at the gym, some which will piss you off and others which will make you laugh and piss you off at the same time. Just remember, when you're going to the gym, just try not to be an idiot. Get your shit done, and then gtfo.